peace and rest

Seth has been reading B Cleary and his book reports are wildly entertaining.  And he never dislikes anything about a book, which I find somewhat strange, but he is a big-picture kid so maybe he can just realize the unfortunate and remember its purpose.  I love to see him read, tucked into a chair or stretched out on his bed.  And to hear him giggle and chortle and bring me marked pages with sticky notes attached that say "Read next 4 paragraphs!!!!!!!".  He delights me.

I've been thinking a lot lately about 5 summers ago when Adam was on his way.  It was what most would consider an inopportune time to pursue having a baby.  Dustin had resigned his job and was going to grad school, changing careers entirely and working without pay as an intern.  Two weeks before we knew I was pregnant, the company I worked for moved our entire department to Costa Rica and we were all laid off.  Even though we were being laid off, in an interesting twist we were required to train our replacements for 4 months in order to get severance.  So we were employed with an end date.  I was required to travel - everyone was - which was pit-in-your-stomach horrible for me to consider (I think it was 8 weeks in Costa Rica? No thank you).  Providence provided me with a perfect medical condition: Adam.  No traveling for this girl.  I was so thankful and remember rubbing my tummy and smiling.  Grow, baby, grow.

Adam arrived, of course.  And honestly, some of it seems a blur, but hand-in-hand with remembering that pregnancy is how he had medical issues starting around 10 months.  Adam's spleen was not right at all and for several hard weeks when things were being ruled out one by one, we were presented with the possibility of leukemia because of some specific tests blah blah blah.  I was (of course!) newly carrying Noah and so, so, so tired and it just...overwhelmed me.  We didn't really talk about it.  What ifs aren't our thing and I was way too scared to actually verbalize anything.  I internalize, and then I analyze.  This baby who had brought me hope and steadiness through all those changes.  And this tiny spleen, this hitch in my step, it brought me to my knees and changed me.  All I prayed for was peace and rest.  Peace with whatever comes, rest so that I can deal with it.

Adam holds my hand when we read books.  I don't know how long this phase will last and my pinkie always gets a cramp...but I love it.  I hear the echoes of those countless prayers for peace and rest when I tuck him in and kiss him goodnight.  He's healthy, but the prayer didn't change.  I don't know why it's been on my mind lately, but it is.  Peace and rest.